my Goddess,

i'm sorry i didn't write for a couple of days. i've been trying to rest.

It was really scary getting so sick without You near, and on top of that, not being able to speak with You. You make me feel so safe.

You are coming home in 3 hours! i am so excited! we cleaned the house today, and folded all of O/our laundry. There was a complication however; apparently Brandon and V got into a fight last night, they fought, physically, and V left Brandon on the side of the highway on the way home from doing laundry. i guess he was being disrespectful and She got angry and tried to get him out of the car and he kept fighting Her.. But anyway, the laundry didn't get all the way dry, so i ended up hanging clothes all over the house trying to get them dry. It was a little ridiculous.

So as far as quitting smoking, it's not really working. But i am doing really well- i had 1 1/2 today, and 1 yesterday. i'm going to have to buy patches to totally quit. It will be a process, but i will do it.

i'm watching the Black Cauldron with Sidra. Can't wait for You to come home.

i hope You had a wonderful time in Your outerlaying islands.

i love You so much.
xo, Your boi

my Goddess,

It was so amazing to hear Your voice last night. i had just woken from a dream about You so i was so happy to answer and find out it was You.

i woke up sick as hell today, a horrible sore throat and body aches. Miss V and Blackula are sick too, i hope Sidra doesn't catch whatever W/we've got. i am going to drink some Theraflu and take a nap here pretty soon.

i wrapped my first perm on a real client today... it was pretty exciting! We got it done in a short amount of time. And i have a new regular client now! Hooray!

i am thinking of You. i miss You so much and i want to be with You so bad right now.

i hope Jamaica is Ja-mazing...
xo, Your boi

my Goddess,

i am at home watching movies with Miss V and Blacky. i am missing You so much.

W/we went to Amoeba Records today and had a yummy dinner. Sidra has been having a really hard time sleeping with You gone. She can't wait for You to come home, neither can i. i hope that You are having an amazing time in Jamaica.

i don't have much to write today, just that i have had You on my mind all day and i am working on getting the house clean. i hope this week at school is easier than last week. i am going to try hard to get back on track with sleeping so i am not so exhausted.

It is painful to be away from You, i don't know how i did it for so long.

Missing You,
xo, Your boi
 

my Goddess,
You left for jamaica last night.
i have been thinking of You ever since W/we parted. i have been angry about Master Liam's behavior towards You all night and day. i am offended and bothered that He would treat You the way that He did, yelling at You and throwing His belongings. It really upset me. i felt angry, and i feel like i have lost a huge amount of respect for Him. N/no one, Dominant or submissive has any right to speak to You in that way.

i went to Bondage Ball with Domina, sybil, bug, and ivy last night. i decided that i needed to go out and have some fun to relieve my feelings. It was weird, they moved the venue to the Echo Plex in Glendale. i had some fun, but i missed You terribly. i wanted You there so badly. i finally saw Simon in drag, it was pretty amazing. :) The funniest thing was that one of my teachers, Mish, was there and quite intoxicated... but it was pretty funny.

i am hanging out with some friends from school tonight and thinking of You. Cleaning and resting tomorrow.

i love You, my Goddess.
xo, boi 

    i should be asleep, but i feel like i need to do an improvised write. i guess we'll see what comes out.

my eyes are not capable of functioning right now-
i can't see straight. my tear ducts are jerked, and i don't know why. there are countless things to worry about, however i am not worrying.
i am feeling.
i am feeling sicktiredhappylonelyanxious.
the walls are not closing in the way they normally would be, they are placed where they should be.
i can't untangle what i feel- the knots are burnt together like the tie on my wrist.
i have been moving up and down the past 6 hours. there are too many things to get over.
the hurdles get taller everyday, but i am not always tall enough to beat them.
some days i trip and fall flat on my face, and today the hurdles are taller than i am- and it is not easy when where you are is somewhere that you have only a few that will really come to help you up.
i do not need constant attention, i can tend to myself.
but i run as fast as i can to put my hands under everyone's cheeks before they scrape the ground, and they sit in the bleachers, 'hoping' i am okay when i fall.
bystanders do not benefit.
they only witness. and witnesses will never understand what it is like to be the one to offer a hand to another.
i have began to filter my interaction with others.
my heart is not something i should let everyone into without any compensation.
i need to make people prove that they deserve the love that i will provide. i am not a museum for others to come inside of and not appreciate.
but the ones that are involved in my life right now are the ones that i need- and others will no longer be allowed inside.
i have an amazing Goddess.
i have amazing best friends.
i have an amazing family.
and that is all i need.

So work was pretty hellish today... surprise! But i'd rather not focus on that tonight. i was thinking of going out tonight, to Das Bunker, my favorite industrial club, but i wouldn't have a way to get back, so that's no good. So, i'm at home, alone, again. Ha.
i really wanted to go down to San Diego this weekend, but Xanthia, my friend and Manager is going to be at the Gloom party. i really wouldn't care, but the problem is that if we end up in a photo together, and someone from work sees it, we're both screwed. Which is pretty lame, i think my weekly dose of LA is full. i'm really starting to hate it here.
i came out to my sister about being a submissive yesterday. i was really nervous that she would react similarly to my roommate, but surprisingly, she's really proud of me and behind me 100%. i couldn't be more glad, she means the world to me. We've been through a lot together, and she is really happy that i have found my path. : ]
i think it's time for a glass of wine. Goodnight!

Work was rough today, i had a lot to do and a lot to catch up on, considering no one except Xanthia and i have been pulling our weight at the store. i had no sales associates all day, and a shitload of projects to complete.. but i worked my ass off, even if the company doesn't deserve it. i wish i wasn't so strangely attached to that job.
i've been doing too much worrying the past few days. i think i am mostly afraid that i may for whatever reason be pushed out of the lives of the amazing people i have recently become close to; that they will get sick of me. i have no reason to have those fears, i think it's just my social anxieties coming out for the first time in a while. But either way, logical or not, those worries have made me really uneasy.
i have a feeling this is going to turn into whining, so i'll stop myself now.

i'm going to go to bed soon, i have to get up early again tomorrow.
xo

Tonight at midnight will be my last cigarette- i'm quitting.
And i am calling the DMV today to set up an appointment to take my driver's test.

: ]

So i just got home- i arrived back in LA from San Diego tonight with Goddess, She was gracious enough to drive me back here. i went to Sadistic Sunday tonight at the Viper Room. It was fun, hardly any turnout, so it was just U/us, but it was still really fun. And i got to play with Goddess a little bit, my butt is super bruised... it looks so pretty! : ] However, the cane i was beaten with was accidentally broken by Sir Stingray tonight...

This weekend was a blast, as it always is. Everyone at Servitus has been so amazing to me, and make me feel so welcome and loved. i never want to leave when i'm there.

i had a bit of a realization tonight after Goddess headed back to San Diego how much i have grown in this past month. It's strange that some of my growth has consisted of bawling my eyes out whenever i'm beaten, i guess it's all of my negative energy finally getting released. i have become motivated to better myself, and there is one person in particular to thank for that. She has changed my life in such a short period of time. When i submit to Her, i feel like i am in a subtle state of euphoria, just getting Her a glass of water or playing with Her hair. i am motivated to work hard at everything i do, increase my integrity, quit smoking pot and cigarettes, get my license (i am going to try to test for it when i get my paycheck), start writing again, go to school, and many other things. Honestly i could ramble for hours about how much i have changed, but it's not about talking about it, it's about showing it. And i hope that i am doing so.

So i open the store by myself for the first time tomorrow, i'm a little nervous, especially because i am pretty exhausted- i hope i don't fuck anything up in the routine in the morning. (my job has so much power over me, it's disgusting.)

i should go to bed, i have to wake up in 5 hours... bleh. xo

i'm still recovering from my lack of sleep last night, it really took a toll on me. i'm all achy and have had a headache all day.. Tomorrow is going to be so fun, i get to ride out to San Diego with Suga to go to Surrender, and i get to see the beautiful collaring ceremony that Goddess, Domina, and Suga have been planning. i've been hearing about it for a while, and now it's really here! i'm really excited to get to see such a wonderful bond be set in stone.
i hung out with a new friend today, Kalayo. i was unsure at first if he would be someone that i would get along with, but we did click, and he was nice enough to buy me dinner and take me to see his horse. i was tempted to ride, and i really wish i would have been able to, but since my back is just getting better, i had to decline. i miss riding. It's such a dorky hobby, haha, but it's very calming.
i should go to sleep, i have a long day/night ahead of me. i hope i can sleep, the anticipation of seeing Goddess is making me all giddy... (i've been thinking about Her all day, (surprise?) i had a dream about Her when i was taking a nap today. Nothing monumental, but i remember the whole thing, and it was one of those dreams that you can feel every little bit of human contact in the dream... it made me miss Her more than i already do.)
xo